2013

I am back.

Or I want to try to be anyway.

I do not have any deep insight or wisdom to share.

I am in a broken place.

I am not really sure how to start.  I was looking at some old posts a couple nights ago and some
drafts that I never finished.  And I saw my sweet boys looking oh so little.  And I saw my Dad.

So I am doing this again.  For me.  So I don't forget.

I have read some of Ann Voskamp's book and follow her blog.  Nearly every time I read something of hers, I am in tears.  She writes a lot about gratitude.  So, I wanted to find things I am grateful for in 2013.  This past year was a hard year, a year with a lot of loss.  I may have even called it a sucky year but don't tell my Mom.  But I am learning and believing that there is always, ALWAYS something to be grateful for.  Always.

1.  My Dad is forever at peace now.  Lasting, true, unchangable peace. 

2.  For now, medicine is controlling Eli's absence seizures.  And he is still so completely Eli.

3.  Ashley and I still have laughter.  This past year was ugly for us.  Very ugly.  We have a lot
     of healing and work to do.  But we are finding laughter again. 

4.  Jonathan still holds my hand.  He is tall now and wants and needs his own space at times.  We too
      frequently bang our heads together.  He is always hungry.  And very definately has his own  
      opinions.  But he will still grab my hand sometimes when I pick him up from school and we walk
      to the car.  And at night, when it is my turn to read with him, he still asks me to sing to him and
      he will often squeeze my hand for awhile.  I wish that would last forever.

5.  Jonathan has developed an enjoyment in reading.  He has always loved being read to, but this
     school year he has truly started to read for enjoyment not just for assignments or practice.  He
     will actually chose to read and will often bring a book in the car. 

6.  Safety while traveling.  We drove a lot of miles between TN and KS this year.  I am so pathetic
     about getting sleepy while driving.  I dread the drive and get really anxious about each trip.  But
     the Lord kept us safe.  The trips involved caffeine and books on tape and naps along the way at all
     sorts of places and one sweet boy getting car sick too many times and one big brother being an
     incredible helper (most of the time kindly!) but we arrived safely each time.  Thank You Lord!

7.  Ear buds and an arm band for my phone.  Ashley kindly bought some for me and they are so
     great!!!  I tried to be better about exercising this year and was doing better and being able to listen
     to a podcast or music was so helpful.  I have not been as consistent the last couple months but am
     determined to get back at it.  It helps my outlook so much to have that time alone, to breathe and
     think. 

8.  Burning candles with abandon.  I so enjoy having a candle burning, but I usually am stingy with
     lighting candles and want to save them for company or I am not sure what.  But I have been
     burning a candle most days now and most of the day.  And I love it.  And need more candles!

9.  Starting a story hour program at the local library.  I am the very last person to be leading crafts or
     singing but I have enjoyed it so far.  I get nervous most Tuesdays and often debrief afterwards
     on the phone with Polly or Nikki about how things went and what should have gone better but
     it has been neat to try to start something. 

10. Watching an ever deepening bond between brothers.  No one can make Eli laugh like Jonathan.
       No one can frustrate Jonathan like Eli.  But Jonathan really does not like when Eli has to be
       disciplined.  They will wrestle and hurt each other and also be each other's source of comfort.
       My heart smiles when Jonathan sits and reads a book to Eli.  I am so deeply grateful for those
       two and so thankful they have each other. 

I have much to be thankful for.  I am very blessed. And I am thankful that I feel hopeful for 2014.
    

900 weeks

No, that is not how long it has been since I have posted something!

I was just reading a good parenting article.  And then bam!
This enjoyable article said  something like
          "your child will only be in your home for about 900 weeks ....."

Then I had trouble breathing. 

 I didn't want to know that. 

But maybe, I needed to hear it. 

Because I have been rather stagnant lately.  If I am being honest, I have been rather
frustrated and short lately about things like messes and noises and mundane repitition.

I need to choose to embrace the mundane.  And keep working on teaching about helping
with messes and volume control! 

Because they deserve my best.

And because 900 weeks worth isn't nearly enough bedtime stories or hugs or
shared lunches or snuggles or child-paced walks or ice cream shared or holding hands
or giggles over snack time or block towers built or play-dough snakes made
or sweet prayers said.

Recipe

This is humbling.

It will not contain fancy pictures.

I am going to share a recipe. Actually two.

They are pitiful compared to those you see on those who have fancy, impressive blogs.

They don't even really have names.

But we are simple here.

Rice, Avacado, Cheese, and Peas.

Brown rice

Avacado

Shredded cheese

Cooked green peas

Mix together.

How is that for simple?! This recipe sort of just happened and is something Jonathan and now Eli really like. it is a easy go to recipe on evenings when Ashley is not going to be home. Although he likes it okay too but he likes something with a little meat in it!

Jonathan says it needs to go in the bowl in the proper order: rice first, then smash some avacado in with the rice, then sprinkle with cheese and then peas. His bowl is heavy on peas and light on cheese and avacado. Eli's would be light on peas if he had a choice and he likes lots of cheese and "cado" as he calls avacado!

Pasta, Chicken and Veggies

Polly gets the credit for this recipe. She whipped this together one time when we were at her house and I was so impressed with the genius of just putting the vegetables in with the pasta.

Cook pasta of your choice according to directions. We like the big shells or rotini as these are easier for Eli to eat. This boy really really likes pasta. We had a major melt down the other morning because he saw left over pasta in the fridge at 9 in the morning and was certain he needed to eat it then! While the pasta is boiling, add veggies of your choice to the pot. We often do carrots and broccoli. Cut up cooked chicken while the pasta and veggies are cooking. I have also done black beans and kidney beans in place of chicken which I liked but with the rest of the family the chicken was preferred. Mix the chicken into the drained pasta and veggies and then add olive oil, parmesean cheese and garlic salt to taste. Sorry for the non-specific measurements. that is not normally how I cook at all! It is a tasty and easy meal. Jonathan likes to add BBQ sauce to his chicken. Curly's BBQ sauce from KS to be exact. He loves this stuff and Grammy and Papa and Nikki have loved him by keeping him supplied!

My latest favorites

This is silly. and frivilous. And sadly contains a lot of food items!

Some of my favorite lately include:

Hummus! Love, LOVE the stuff! I have had relative success making my own. Ashley even liked it okay when I actually shared some with him. Jason's Deli has some yummy red pepper hummus on their salad bar. My plate is a little embarassing when we go there.

These chips called Simply Naked. They are Stacy's Pita Chips and so good. They delight my salt cravings. They also go great with hummus! and salsa. and plain. and probably queso.

Sweet green tea from Sams. The sweet most likely takes away the good parts of the green tea but it is such a treat for me!! A few times Eli and I have finished our errands at Sams and then shared a slice of their yummy pizza and I indulged in the tea. Happy!

Lemon water. I have issues with consuming calories in beverages. I like to drink (meaning Dr Pepper and Root Beer and cherry limeaids and sweet tea ) and like sugar. Not a good thing. So in trying to remedy this a bit, I have been drinking lemon water. I always get this at resturaunts (and then sneek sips of Ashley's dr pepper!), but I purchased some lemons and have been enjoying it at home too. Eli also likes it. He likes water. Milk not so much but yes on water.

Story hour!!!! I finally found one for Eli. our local library has, in my opinion, really dropped the ball on this. They are bordering on lazy really and it quite frustrates me! I have called several other places but none had story hour for Eli's age. This was a highlight for Jonathan and I and so good for him in learning to sit and wait and listen and to like books. But I found one! and though there will never be as good of one as the one in Moundridge (the teacher there is AMAZING!), this one reminds me some of home and has a story time and crafts and singing and snacks. it is so interesting to watch Eli's personality there.

Smoothies. This has become a nearly every day afterschool snack. Jonathan is awesome at making them. Although it has led me to finally order a lid for my blender. The plastic lid didnt make the cut post fire even after repeated washings. But it is NOT fun to clean up smoothie! :) We have tried the Green Monster smoothies with spinach and Eli and I are fans. Jonathan is not.

Kroger! It is our Dillons here. they just have awesome deals quite frequently on yogurt and cheese. both of which get consumed a lot in our house.

My happy pants. I have these pair of yoga pants, I think they are technically called. They are so comfy and fit just right. They make me nearly giggle every time I put them on in the evenings. I wear them as pajama pants but I think if I wore them daily, I might just could conquer the world!

Now I need to go find some interests besides food! :)

Corbin

You turned 9 yesterday.

I got to talk to you on the phone for a bit. Oh, you sounded so old and so polite.

I still remember so well the first time I laid eyes on you. You took my breath away.

You were the first time I experienced total love at first sight. I felt an instant need to always protect you.

I could only go a few days without having to come over to your house and hold and kiss you again. I was even so bold as to ask your mommy if I could wake you if you were sleeping! If she would have asked that of my sleeping babies I would have told her she dare not! But your sweet mommy has always been a more laid back mommy than me.

I remember teaching you to say "Star" in the Walmart parking lot. I remember teaching you to say "Tia Jo" since you could say "T." and that name has stuck with me for all your cousins now and I love it!

Because of you, I first had the priveledge of watching my mom and dad become grandparents. How proud they are of you, Corbin, and always have been. You hold a very special place in their hearts.

I remember one night when Ashley and I got to take care of you. He got you to giggling and it was the best sound in the world.

I have watched you be a great big brother. My heart has been touched with how you love my boys. Thanks for wrestling with Jonathan. He looks forward to it, but I know he can be pretty relentless. He wants to become as strong as you! Eli still talks about you and balls! He understands about you quite well even in the short time he has got to spend with you.

Corbin, I am proud of how hard you work in school. I admire that you practice all you can at different sports. I respect that you go with your mommy to church and are learning God's word.

Being the oldest cousin has to be tough. You have to wait a lot as we deal with the more immediate needs of the younger ones. Sorry when we expect to much of you just because you are the oldest.

It makes me cry to know that there is a lot of hurt in your world right now. How I wish I could change it for you. I pray every day for you Corbin. My main prayer is that you will choose Jesus. Choose Him, Corbin, in all situations. Even when it is hard. Even when other people are not. Even when it seems easier not to follow His ways.

I miss you. I miss your laugh and your many questions. I miss your tender heart that notices when someone is hurting. I miss how you try to get away from my hugs! I miss seeing you on Grammy's lap. I miss seeing you glued to a sports game or trying to get a sip of Papa's tea or begging someone to come pitch the ball or play horse.

God did a wonderful thing in creating you, Corbin. Never doubt that! He has incredible plans for your life.

I love you Corbin Wayne Unruh. I always have and I always will.

Love,
Tia Jo

A different street

I read something the other day that really struck me. I read it on Beth Moore's blog blog.lproof.org

Her sister is an alocoholic and is sharing her story. Very moving. She shared something she
read. Autobiography in Five Short Chapters by Portia Nelson

Chapter 1:
I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost. I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2:
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I am in this same place. But it isnt my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3:
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it there. I fall in....it's a habit...but my eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.

Chapter 4:
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

Chapter 5:
I walk down a different street.

I like the hope. I like the change. I like the awakening. I like the acceptance of responsiblity. Not sure why it resonated with me. Maybe to make me face the more "socially acceptable" addictions or struggles I have.

Now to face them and chose a different street.

Gus

Ashley got me a phone for Christmas.

I have named it Gus.

I am so excited about it and quite intimidated by it also.

I feel a pressure (just put on myself) to learn to use it to its fullest potential.

I am super excited about hopefully being able to post pictures easier.

Our boys are just too cute not to share!!

New

A new year rather scares me.

I get hopeful.

And then I show up again and dash my own hopes.

2010 was a tough, tough year for me. I survived. About all I can say about that year.

2011 I feel like I wasted. I wasted on dwelling on the past. I wasted by not taking risks. I wasted with a bad attitude. It was a very inward focused year. I did bascially next to nothing to reach out to other people.

2012 is mine.

Mine to try again. Every day. Mine to live for eternity. Mine to grow. Mine to laugh again. Mine to love others.

I feel hopeful. Even if it is me that shows up.

Reality

I have missed writing. It is therapeutic for me in some ways.

I write posts in my head sometimes. But never get them actually posted.

I want to be more consistent in 2012.

I am already starting to shove off things I want to get better about by thinking "I will start that next year." I often do this and then still fail to change once the time actually comes.

We finally met with another contractor today so maybe, hopefully, possibly we might get things going on a house. I will believe it once there is an actual hole in the ground!

Our cat drives me CRAZY! I have called her "stupid" in front of the boys and felt really bad. I think she is my scapegoat for all my frustration. I don't worry about her spirit or soul so she gets the brunt of my anger. That sounds pathetic. Sorry to any animal lovers. She really is very annoying though. The most irritating meow. But it is hilarious when Eli immitates it. She has the most foul smelling gas and poop. And somehow I often am the one to clean the liter box though the agreement with Ashley was quite different! :) But the boys get such joy out of her and she gives me some peace of mind about critters in the house so she remains. For now.

Eli says "shoot" when he sees a gun and holds Jonathan's nerf guns remarkably accurately. I am not sure if I should be proud or really disturbed.

I hide from our neighbor sometimes. I am not proud to admit this. Living in town is very different when it comes to neighbors. She means well bless her heart, but boy can she go on and on and on. And she watches all we do and is not ashamed to reveal this to us in what she says. I know I am having an extra lonely day, however, when we willingly walk over to her yard. I do feel more control over this though then when she comes ours. And Eli does like to say hi to Miss Erma Lee. and it is comforting to know she will let us know if anything unusual is going on.

I am part of a book club. Sounds sort of nerdy but really it is more about laughing and eating and getting an evening out then about reading! But I have been able to read some really great books I would not have read other wise or allowed myself to take the time to read.

I like Pinterest. It is sort of an addiction. it sadly feeds this part of me I do not like about myself in that I can collect information about things such a parenting, but then I do not always apply. But I have actually done a few things I found on there. and it has been great about giving neat house ideas. Other people amaze me with their creativity!

Nearly every day I tell myself I am going to go to bed earlier and get up earlier and in a better mood. Pretty much every day I fail.

I am much more high maintenence than I want to believe I am. I have to face this conclusion though, after having to and still working on replacing my entire closet and all my "toiletries." Whew. A couple friends here were so generous and gave me clothes which was so incredibly helpful. and humbling. and sort of a weird identity thing.

Having a second child is showing me that some things are really innate. Some things I took some pride in with Jonathan I am seeing really had very little to do with me. Like him eating vegetables or being quite a healthy baby and toddler. Eli, raised really quite the same way, is not a big fan of most vegetables and has been ill more than Jonathan ever was. And also some things I worried that I was doing some thing wrong, like Jonathan not being huge into music or being rather shy. I figured I had not handled something critical right. And, while there certainly could be things I should have done differently for him in regards to some things, Eli really likes music and will wave and say hi to most any one. Granted, this could change but so far he is ok being left at sunday school which for months, maybe years was a challenge with Jonathan, even when done consistently. I am not saying I am going to stop trying to be intentional about parenting and just see what happens with them and I still believe/fear there are ways I could have handled things differently, but it has just been interesting to see how there really are personality differences and tendencies. wow, I went on and on about that.

I am trying to think of some creative way to write more next year. But creativity is soooo not my strength. We will see. But this felt cathartic for now.

I miss.....

(I feel guilty even writing this because we have so much to be thankful for in all of this but...)

my toaster

clean pictures of my babies

things my sweet grandmas made me (we did save some quilts!!)

this shirt I splurged on in Branson with my sisters and mom and never wore!

this white sweater/sweatshirt thing my mom just gave me that I always liked of hers.

a belt I loved.

my CDs

the Bible Jonathan got for his birthday from Grammy and Papa.

having ingredients on hand to make cookies (this is pretty much taken care of now but I am having trouble adjusting to a different kitchen. i am not sure what the deal is. It is really expensive to restock pantries!!)

having two bathrooms. (and allowing Jonathan to pee outside because we lived in the country. First day we were here in our other house in town I saw him peeing outside by a tree in the front yard and knew we needed to talk over a few things!!)

my books. oh books. some are okay. but the smoke smell sure does linger.

this great devotion book I was reading.

my curtains

letting the dog run free. she has been such a good dog here with us but it makes me sad to keep her penned up.

our sweet kitties. we have not seen them for a week or so. a little concerned. they brought Jonathan such joy. I may actually try to find him another one and I NEVER thought I would do that.

Our DVDs.

Our second channel. yes, now down to just one channel. Laundry is just more fun when you have entertainment while folding clothes in the evening!

The way our house smelled. I am a very sensitive odor person. this house just smells different. Not saying our house smelled great but it smelled familiar.

Going to the library. we had several books checked out and a couple movies. I have talked with them on the phone and they were very understanding but I am a little leary about going back and facing the bill.

These earrings I liked.

My new pair of running shoes.

The container of Jonathan's kindergarten papers that I was going to go through all summer and pick out some to save. they were in my closet and it and our bathroom are just gone. I did find both of their baby books and quite a few pictures. I will need to redo the books (or actually start Elijahs for the first time!) but the pictures arent too bad. Guess procrastination works for you some of the time! :)

But all of this, less the pictures and grandmas' things, can be replaced. So I am feeling thankful more than sad. I did run back in and grab a couple pictures of the walls and get Jonathan's blankie and Elijah's pacifiers and bag. Ashley grabbed our laptops and then no surprise, went back for guns!! Crazy to me that we now have a "before the fire/after the fire" timeline in our lives. It has been very humbling. I decided it is much easier to accept clothes to take to the needy in Honduras than to accept clothes and other things because we are the needy people.

Once we get insurance stuff wrapped up, we will be focusing on building a new place. Praying already that Ashley and I will be patient with each other while making all these decisions!!

44

reasons I love my husband:

He loves Jesus.

He loves our sons.

He choose me.

He has admitted a few good things about Kansas.

He truly liked my grandparents.

He gets choked up at Little House on the Prairie sometimes.

He crochets.

He is incredibly witty.

He is proud and thankful that I use cloth diapers.

He makes sacrifices for people he does not even know in Honduras.

He is interested in many different things and likes to learn.

He gives the boys a bath most of the time!!! This is a huge, huge gift to me!

He buys me chocolate.

He sings to Jonathan and Elijah.

He makes up songs and is remarkable about rhyming.

He gets into Jonathan's t-ball games, even though he really is not a sports person.

He will stop in the road to pick up a turtle to show Jonathan. And not bring it home every time!!

He got up during the night to give our puppy medicine.

He likes to wear pink shirts. And he looks good in them!

He is an excellent teacher; to his gun class students, to his sons, to me.

He feeds Eli sometimes and wipes his face some of those times.

He takes off work to attend Jonathan's school things.

He reads to Jonathan at night. I love to hear them talking about what they are reading.

He is a dreamer.

He makes the very very very long drive to Kansas so I can see my family and they can see our precious boys.

He keeps us safe.

He tries to drink more water.

He eats leftovers!

He can get to laughing so hard he can hardly talk.

He knows the names of plants and flowers.

He loves to watch TV but is too thrifty to pay for cable so we just enjoy two channels!

He likes to have a snack at night.

He calms me down when I get overly worried about things.

He is patriotic and thankful for the privilege of living in the United States.

He loves ice cream.

He lets me get the mail.

He works very hard to provide for us and to enable me to stay home with the boys.

He compliments my cooking.

He tells me about his day.

He smells good.

He sings well.

He wants to help people truly change their lives.

He lets the house be warm when we need it warm and cool when we need it cool.

He is wise with money.

Happy birthday my Ashley. I love so very many things about you.

Elijah

Just took this picture today and had to share it. He is too sweet!

At nine months Eli:

absolutly adore Jonathan.

is crawling all over and pulling up and starting to cruise a bit.

loves to be outside.

is starting to prefer to feed himself. I fear I clean up more food out of his highchair then gets into his body!

has 6 teeth. and he has worked hard for them.

weighs 20 lbs.

thinks Daddy is incredible. Ashley and I were saying today that we don't remember Jonathan being that into Daddy

this young but Eli will reach out for him and crawl to get him when he gets home. It is quite sweet.

is a challenge to change his diaper. he just wants to move!

really likes music. even my singing!

takes three naps a day.

is still quite a fan of nursing. I am thankful for this.

goes to Sunday school well. they have these little booster seats they sit in and sing songs. it is pretty cute.

really really likes the 4-wheeler and lawnmower. but also the blow dryer and blender so maybe it is just the noise?

puts his head on my shoulder. so so so sweet.

puts everything in his mouth!

is developing quite an opinion. he has been quite a laid back baby so it is different having him get feisty. I say it is the Williams coming out in him! :)

likes his paci to go to sleep.

has clamy hands and stinky feet. This has been true since he was born!

has the cutest crawl. I have told Polly this several times and have tried to think what makes it so cute. I think it is a combination of things. he has big hands. I have thought this since birth. He is loud when he crawls. You can hear him coming. he sounds very determined. He is fast. If he hears the door opening to outside or the water for the bathtub or the fridge door opening, he takes off.

likes to sleep on his tummy. this is something that makes me nervous but he seems to prefer this so I just keep checking on him.

has a mix of blond and red and a little brown hair. still not sure what color it is.

seems to show a preference for his left hand. but I am not sure how soon this is determined.

is such a blessing and is so very very loved.

So far

Wanted to include a few random pictures since it has been so ridiculously long since I have posted anything! Jonathan is in is baseball uniform. I need to get a better picture. One in action perhaps. He is number 42 which was my highschool basketball number. Ashley chose that number for him. I was really touched at his gesture and that he remembered the number.

Well, day six of Ashley's trip is almost done. I had planned to write something every day to keep track of what all we did while he was gone. You see how that has gone! Briefly this is what we have been up to:

Two ball games for Jonathan. At one of these Eli chewed on a cigarette. He even smelled like tabacco. made me sick!! The other game his skin got a little pink from the sun. I felt terrible!

We visited Ashley's grandma and aunt. They always crack me up. they think Jonathan and Eli are quite wonderful which is so good for my heart.

Numerous 4-wheeler rides. Eli loves to go and makes the funniest noises. Jonathan is getting a little too comfortable on his for my liking. He has too much Ashley in him for his own good!!

Ate lunch with Jonathan at school. It is always such fun to go. I like being known as Jonathan's mom.

Got Eli's picture taken, finally.

Both boys have a cough and runny noses. Not fun.

Helped make snow cones at school for all the students since it is state assessment time. Brought back memories of working before kids.

Several walks. They both so love to be outside.

A little work at the office. A few projects at the house.

A little bit of mowing. Lots of laundry.

Attempting to handle phone calls for Ashley.

Eating supper outside on the deck. It was a gorgeous evening.

Survived church without Daddy. the boys did really well.

Went to one of Jonathan's friend's birthday party. Kids are funny when they see each other in a new surrounding.

Practiced batting.

Eli is still gagging a lot on chunkier foods but we did add spinach and black beans to the foods he has tried. so far the only thing he seems to consistently not like is bananas. Loves pears and plums though. tomorrow I am going to try mangos with him.

Cut Jonathan's hair. And his ear. Felt soooo bad. Trimmed my own hair a bit. I have never done that before. Not sure it was such a good idea.

Eat ice cream nearly every day!

Watched some Little House on the Prairie.

Finished reading Farmer Boy with Jonathan.

Felt very grateful for phone calls and text that amazingly work even from Honduras!

Today

Today, Mom and Dad, you feel too far away. You do every day but today I so very much want you to see Elijah crawl. He is so cute doing so. He so likes getting places and is very curious. He babbles and babbles. He seems to prefer non-toy items to play with, things like lids and silverware. He is now eating cereal, sweet potatoes, acorn squash, butternut squash, carrots, peas, pears and apples. Polly lent me a great book about making all of these. I have loved doing it. He is doing great eating. Next up is avacado, zucchini, and another kind of squash. He sucked on a lemon out of my water the other day and really liked it. He adores Jonathan. Just lights up to see him. He loves bath time. He splashes and giggles. His whole body responds when he sees the dog and cats. He has started going to sunday school. he has gone three times now and it makes him seem so old! He has finally been sleeping better the last five or so days. I am soooo thankful. He has the sweetest smile.

And today I wish you could be here to celebrate Jonathan. I bought the ice cream last night so we are ready for Friday. He cant really be turning six!! He has been counting down the days. A friend from school is coming over after school to celebrate and Jonathan is so excited. His friend would have to stay for a week to do all Jonathan has planned to do!! He wants Corbin and Mac to meet him. I am going to take ice cream sandwiches to school on Friday. I offered to make cookies or something for him but ice cream was his choice which is no surprise! He is being such a great brother lately. He seems to be getting excited about playing t-ball. We have had fun playing catch. Even Ashley!! He has a try out thing this Sat just to create the teams. I hope he has a fun start to it. I wish you could see his games. We will have to take pictures!

So know you are missed today. And every day.

But sometime soon we will play catch in your yard and watch Eli crawl around the corner and peek around with his sweet smile and eat lots of your ice cream!

Hodge Podge

I really failed at December.

We have been sick here a lot lately.

I loathe cleaning the microwave.

I mailed out most of our Christmas cards today. I sent only the picture card. I am really disappointed in myself. I even had a start on a letter. I am such a dork! Maybe I will post it on here sometime.

Ashley was in the hospital for chest pains. He has pneumonia and has to go back for a really comprehensive stress test on the 29th. I am trying not to feel like my cooking caused this. I would rather blame all the pop he drinks and the corndogs he eats at work.

I am not feeling Christmasish. Not sure what the deal is.

My house has not felt really clean or under control since before Thanksgiving.

I have been having trouble sleeping lately which is so not like me. Usually once I get to go to sleep, I sleep until a child or an alarm wake me.

I don't like to wrap presents. Jonathan helped me with some so that made it more fun. How that child loves tape!

I made eight batches of fudge for Ashley for work. Sadly I consumed way too much in my little tastes here and there. Perhaps that explains the stomach ache! Jonathan wondered why I was "wasting" all the fudge and giving it away.

Eli sat up today. Not for long but he did it. I think babies look so cute sitting up.

Jonathan actually said today as I was getting Elijah ready for bed, "but I didnt get to talk to him much today." Jonathan was sick today so pretty much out. He has made such a huge HUGE change in his attitude and actions towards Elijah. I am so so so so thankful. A miracle in my mind!!

One of Jonathan's presents and a couple of Ashley's will not be here before we leave for Kansas. I did not do well with gifts this year. Elijah only has one and it is a CD. That was mainly a conscious decision. He needs nothing and will not realize he is not getting any thing. But there are a lot of things that would be fun to give him!

Our dog ate one of Ashley presents. Literally. I was so mad! I made a calendar for him on shutterfly. That is just as creative as I get. I was pretty excited about it and thought Ashley would enjoy having pictures of the boys at work. We got home the other evening and I noticed a part of a shutterfly box in the carport. I got a sinking feeling right away. Ashley found the calendar out in the yard. Of course it was also raining. So now he has seen the calendar, splattered with mud and rain and with one corner totally chewed off and several other teeth marks. I cleaned it up best I could and wrapped it anyway! All of the pictures are still good.

I miss my Grandma. Christmas time holds many wonderful memories of her.

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Things about Elijah:

1. He pulls my hair. A lot!
2. I love when he lays his head on my shoulder. I am hoping he will be a snuggler.
3. He has a fascination with ceiling fans and overhead lights.
4. He is quite ticklish. Ashley found a new spot today and he just laughed and laughed. He will often giggle when I am changing his clothes.
5. The changing table is a happy place for him. He babbles away and smiles and laughes.
6. Rolling down the windows in the car is a go to move he likes. If paci, music or talking is not working, we try the windows.
7. He likes to be outside. He gets quiet and just looks around.
8. He likes his bouncy seat. For this I am very thankful. This helps soooo much with getting dishes done or a shower taken. Some sort of chewable object must be provided for the bouncy seat to last long.
9. He likes music. If he is teetering on the edge and I start singing, he will quiet down. Bless his heart!! The other morning I was singing Arky Arky and Alice the Camel for him as I got ready. I am horrible at recalling songs.
10. He has been rolling over for awhile now but it still seems to surprise him each time.
11. I love when he touches my face.
12. I have no idea what color his hair is or will be.
13. God has shown me love through this precious child so sweetly.
14. He is deeply, deeply loved.

15

Things about Jonathan:
1. He likes a reaction. He gets this from his daddy!
2. He often will pick the lint or whatever it is from between his toes. This often happens when he is supposed to be getting ready for bed. For some reason I find it endearing.
3. He did most of the decorating of our tree. While it will not win any Martha Stewart awards, it is quite pretty. He had the fun idea of using the cotton he picked this fall to put on the tree to look like snow. It really looks quite neat!
4. He places no pride in fashion.
5. He will do or do without most anything for ice cream. He is not picky on flavor. He more goes for quanity!
6. He has a little trouble with his "R" sound. When he says "more" you can tell and I noticed it today when I heared him say "sir." I wonder if this is something he will outgrow.
7. For him to feel truly listened to, you must look at him. Ashley is the same way. Most stories involve some sort of visual reenactment or drawing.
8. He is not a morning person. Not at all!
9. He has a friend at school named Samuel. I ate lunch with them today and it was so great to see them laughing and playing and Jonathan being so real and relaxed. I think I heard Samuel call him Johnny.
10. He loves to tie knots. We found some string on the sidewalk today and it totally turned around an ulgy attitude (if I were making a gratitude list, that rope would make the list!). He found all kinds of things to do with the rope, including tug of war with me. He is not so great at getting the knots out. I have spent quite a bit of time doing this!!
11. He is totally learning to interact with his little brother. Today he said "I got him" when Elijah started to squak a bit when he woke up from a nap. He likes to make him laugh.
12. He can make scrabbled eggs and brown hamburger. I am there supervising and helping but he truly does most of it.
13. He does this thing with his tongue when he is excited but a little nervous or shy.
14. He LOVES to wrestle with Daddy. He will give up books at night to get to do this.
15. He is deeply, deeply loved.

Just a picture

Too sweet not to share.

No list tonight. Not even sure what day I should be on. Hope to get better.

My heart has been heavy and my mind exhausted.

Great is His faithfulness. His mercies are new every morning. Clinging to this.

Thank you Lord for loving me.

22

Things I did do today:
1. Laundry
2. Unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher.
3. Washed sheets and actually got them back on the bed before last minute at bed time.
4. Changed three dirty diapers very happily. Elijah has been a little constipated so I was quite happy for him. Even in the middle of the night!
5. Sustained life (thought this sounded a little more exciting than nursed a baby!!)
6. Read to Jonathan
7. Watched Jonathan WILLINGLY, totally of his own iniciative entertain Elijah!!!!!!!!! This was a monumental, store in my heart moment. it acutally happened several times. Eli started fussing and Jonathan went to him and growled at him and jumped around. He can make Elijah laugh more than either Ashley or I. I was so proud of him today. He said his name rather than just baby. he willingly touched him. Thank You, Thank You Lord.
8. Bought a Christmas tree. Live and it smells so good.
9. Flaked off dried milk from behind Elijah's ears. Lovely huh!
10. Found the Christmas gift that Jonathan has been asking for!!!! He has asked for a helicopter like his cousin Caleb has. He loves the hook it has on it. If this child can hook and tow things with a toy, he is happy! I had found several helicopters last week but none with hooks. Today I found it!!
11. Got a shower. even shaved. and then ran out of hot water!
12. Fought hard to take captive my thoughts and focus on what is excellent and praiseworthy and not let bitterness or what if or why not take over. Some moments were successful. some not so much.
13. Started to clean out several moldy items from the back of the fridge. Got interrupted.
14. Laughed out loud.
15. Craved chips and queso. This has actually been going on for a while. There is just no redeeming nutritional value in this but oh it is yummy!
16. Remembered again that we have Krispy Kreme doughnuts in our freezer. So far untouched! and they need to remain that way first of all because they are designated for something but also because once opened, the trouble starts.
17. Watered the plants. Several were looking quite droopy so it was time.
18. Have some anxiety over a box of Christmas decorations we have not found. My grandma gave us an ornament every year that she made. I will be so sad if we can not find them.
19. Snuck a handful of chocolate chips when Jonathan was not in the kitchen. It was a small handful. But actually I did it twice!
20. Was so thankful for "paci!" Even the pink and purple one my sisters gave us before we knew Elijah was Elijah. It is his at home paci. He doesnt care!!
21. Kissed my sweet boys. all of them.
22. Sang Christmas songs.

23

Things I should be doing:
1. Dishes
2. Laundry
3. Vaccuming
4. Finishing Christmas decorating
5. Working on Christmas cards
6. Working on thank you cards
7. Catching up on email correspondance
8. Planning next weeks menu
9. Finding the source of a nasty smell in the laundry room area. Not sure I really want to know. But very sure I want the smell gone.
10. Changing the batteries on the smoke alarm. The beeping is about to drive me bonkers!
11. Working on a Christmas gift for Ashley
12. Sending some pictures to my sister that she asked for quite a while ago.
13. Doing my quiet time that has not happened today yet.
14. Exercising. This has not happened today yet either. or yesterday. or any time of any consistency lately.
15. Washing diapers.
16. Putting my summer clothes away.
17. Taking out my overly dry contacts.
18. Doing some paperwork for Ashley.
19. Dusting.
20. Going through a pile of mail, Jonathan school stuff, magazines, random items that need to be dealt with. I at least collected it all from various places around the house.
21. Figuring out a birthday gift for a friend.
22. Making final decisions on Christmast gifts for different people.
23. Sleeping!!