Reality

I have missed writing. It is therapeutic for me in some ways.

I write posts in my head sometimes. But never get them actually posted.

I want to be more consistent in 2012.

I am already starting to shove off things I want to get better about by thinking "I will start that next year." I often do this and then still fail to change once the time actually comes.

We finally met with another contractor today so maybe, hopefully, possibly we might get things going on a house. I will believe it once there is an actual hole in the ground!

Our cat drives me CRAZY! I have called her "stupid" in front of the boys and felt really bad. I think she is my scapegoat for all my frustration. I don't worry about her spirit or soul so she gets the brunt of my anger. That sounds pathetic. Sorry to any animal lovers. She really is very annoying though. The most irritating meow. But it is hilarious when Eli immitates it. She has the most foul smelling gas and poop. And somehow I often am the one to clean the liter box though the agreement with Ashley was quite different! :) But the boys get such joy out of her and she gives me some peace of mind about critters in the house so she remains. For now.

Eli says "shoot" when he sees a gun and holds Jonathan's nerf guns remarkably accurately. I am not sure if I should be proud or really disturbed.

I hide from our neighbor sometimes. I am not proud to admit this. Living in town is very different when it comes to neighbors. She means well bless her heart, but boy can she go on and on and on. And she watches all we do and is not ashamed to reveal this to us in what she says. I know I am having an extra lonely day, however, when we willingly walk over to her yard. I do feel more control over this though then when she comes ours. And Eli does like to say hi to Miss Erma Lee. and it is comforting to know she will let us know if anything unusual is going on.

I am part of a book club. Sounds sort of nerdy but really it is more about laughing and eating and getting an evening out then about reading! But I have been able to read some really great books I would not have read other wise or allowed myself to take the time to read.

I like Pinterest. It is sort of an addiction. it sadly feeds this part of me I do not like about myself in that I can collect information about things such a parenting, but then I do not always apply. But I have actually done a few things I found on there. and it has been great about giving neat house ideas. Other people amaze me with their creativity!

Nearly every day I tell myself I am going to go to bed earlier and get up earlier and in a better mood. Pretty much every day I fail.

I am much more high maintenence than I want to believe I am. I have to face this conclusion though, after having to and still working on replacing my entire closet and all my "toiletries." Whew. A couple friends here were so generous and gave me clothes which was so incredibly helpful. and humbling. and sort of a weird identity thing.

Having a second child is showing me that some things are really innate. Some things I took some pride in with Jonathan I am seeing really had very little to do with me. Like him eating vegetables or being quite a healthy baby and toddler. Eli, raised really quite the same way, is not a big fan of most vegetables and has been ill more than Jonathan ever was. And also some things I worried that I was doing some thing wrong, like Jonathan not being huge into music or being rather shy. I figured I had not handled something critical right. And, while there certainly could be things I should have done differently for him in regards to some things, Eli really likes music and will wave and say hi to most any one. Granted, this could change but so far he is ok being left at sunday school which for months, maybe years was a challenge with Jonathan, even when done consistently. I am not saying I am going to stop trying to be intentional about parenting and just see what happens with them and I still believe/fear there are ways I could have handled things differently, but it has just been interesting to see how there really are personality differences and tendencies. wow, I went on and on about that.

I am trying to think of some creative way to write more next year. But creativity is soooo not my strength. We will see. But this felt cathartic for now.