A different street

I read something the other day that really struck me. I read it on Beth Moore's blog blog.lproof.org

Her sister is an alocoholic and is sharing her story. Very moving. She shared something she
read. Autobiography in Five Short Chapters by Portia Nelson

Chapter 1:
I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost. I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2:
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I am in this same place. But it isnt my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3:
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it there. I fall in....it's a habit...but my eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.

Chapter 4:
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

Chapter 5:
I walk down a different street.

I like the hope. I like the change. I like the awakening. I like the acceptance of responsiblity. Not sure why it resonated with me. Maybe to make me face the more "socially acceptable" addictions or struggles I have.

Now to face them and chose a different street.

Gus

Ashley got me a phone for Christmas.

I have named it Gus.

I am so excited about it and quite intimidated by it also.

I feel a pressure (just put on myself) to learn to use it to its fullest potential.

I am super excited about hopefully being able to post pictures easier.

Our boys are just too cute not to share!!

New

A new year rather scares me.

I get hopeful.

And then I show up again and dash my own hopes.

2010 was a tough, tough year for me. I survived. About all I can say about that year.

2011 I feel like I wasted. I wasted on dwelling on the past. I wasted by not taking risks. I wasted with a bad attitude. It was a very inward focused year. I did bascially next to nothing to reach out to other people.

2012 is mine.

Mine to try again. Every day. Mine to live for eternity. Mine to grow. Mine to laugh again. Mine to love others.

I feel hopeful. Even if it is me that shows up.

Reality

I have missed writing. It is therapeutic for me in some ways.

I write posts in my head sometimes. But never get them actually posted.

I want to be more consistent in 2012.

I am already starting to shove off things I want to get better about by thinking "I will start that next year." I often do this and then still fail to change once the time actually comes.

We finally met with another contractor today so maybe, hopefully, possibly we might get things going on a house. I will believe it once there is an actual hole in the ground!

Our cat drives me CRAZY! I have called her "stupid" in front of the boys and felt really bad. I think she is my scapegoat for all my frustration. I don't worry about her spirit or soul so she gets the brunt of my anger. That sounds pathetic. Sorry to any animal lovers. She really is very annoying though. The most irritating meow. But it is hilarious when Eli immitates it. She has the most foul smelling gas and poop. And somehow I often am the one to clean the liter box though the agreement with Ashley was quite different! :) But the boys get such joy out of her and she gives me some peace of mind about critters in the house so she remains. For now.

Eli says "shoot" when he sees a gun and holds Jonathan's nerf guns remarkably accurately. I am not sure if I should be proud or really disturbed.

I hide from our neighbor sometimes. I am not proud to admit this. Living in town is very different when it comes to neighbors. She means well bless her heart, but boy can she go on and on and on. And she watches all we do and is not ashamed to reveal this to us in what she says. I know I am having an extra lonely day, however, when we willingly walk over to her yard. I do feel more control over this though then when she comes ours. And Eli does like to say hi to Miss Erma Lee. and it is comforting to know she will let us know if anything unusual is going on.

I am part of a book club. Sounds sort of nerdy but really it is more about laughing and eating and getting an evening out then about reading! But I have been able to read some really great books I would not have read other wise or allowed myself to take the time to read.

I like Pinterest. It is sort of an addiction. it sadly feeds this part of me I do not like about myself in that I can collect information about things such a parenting, but then I do not always apply. But I have actually done a few things I found on there. and it has been great about giving neat house ideas. Other people amaze me with their creativity!

Nearly every day I tell myself I am going to go to bed earlier and get up earlier and in a better mood. Pretty much every day I fail.

I am much more high maintenence than I want to believe I am. I have to face this conclusion though, after having to and still working on replacing my entire closet and all my "toiletries." Whew. A couple friends here were so generous and gave me clothes which was so incredibly helpful. and humbling. and sort of a weird identity thing.

Having a second child is showing me that some things are really innate. Some things I took some pride in with Jonathan I am seeing really had very little to do with me. Like him eating vegetables or being quite a healthy baby and toddler. Eli, raised really quite the same way, is not a big fan of most vegetables and has been ill more than Jonathan ever was. And also some things I worried that I was doing some thing wrong, like Jonathan not being huge into music or being rather shy. I figured I had not handled something critical right. And, while there certainly could be things I should have done differently for him in regards to some things, Eli really likes music and will wave and say hi to most any one. Granted, this could change but so far he is ok being left at sunday school which for months, maybe years was a challenge with Jonathan, even when done consistently. I am not saying I am going to stop trying to be intentional about parenting and just see what happens with them and I still believe/fear there are ways I could have handled things differently, but it has just been interesting to see how there really are personality differences and tendencies. wow, I went on and on about that.

I am trying to think of some creative way to write more next year. But creativity is soooo not my strength. We will see. But this felt cathartic for now.

I miss.....

(I feel guilty even writing this because we have so much to be thankful for in all of this but...)

my toaster

clean pictures of my babies

things my sweet grandmas made me (we did save some quilts!!)

this shirt I splurged on in Branson with my sisters and mom and never wore!

this white sweater/sweatshirt thing my mom just gave me that I always liked of hers.

a belt I loved.

my CDs

the Bible Jonathan got for his birthday from Grammy and Papa.

having ingredients on hand to make cookies (this is pretty much taken care of now but I am having trouble adjusting to a different kitchen. i am not sure what the deal is. It is really expensive to restock pantries!!)

having two bathrooms. (and allowing Jonathan to pee outside because we lived in the country. First day we were here in our other house in town I saw him peeing outside by a tree in the front yard and knew we needed to talk over a few things!!)

my books. oh books. some are okay. but the smoke smell sure does linger.

this great devotion book I was reading.

my curtains

letting the dog run free. she has been such a good dog here with us but it makes me sad to keep her penned up.

our sweet kitties. we have not seen them for a week or so. a little concerned. they brought Jonathan such joy. I may actually try to find him another one and I NEVER thought I would do that.

Our DVDs.

Our second channel. yes, now down to just one channel. Laundry is just more fun when you have entertainment while folding clothes in the evening!

The way our house smelled. I am a very sensitive odor person. this house just smells different. Not saying our house smelled great but it smelled familiar.

Going to the library. we had several books checked out and a couple movies. I have talked with them on the phone and they were very understanding but I am a little leary about going back and facing the bill.

These earrings I liked.

My new pair of running shoes.

The container of Jonathan's kindergarten papers that I was going to go through all summer and pick out some to save. they were in my closet and it and our bathroom are just gone. I did find both of their baby books and quite a few pictures. I will need to redo the books (or actually start Elijahs for the first time!) but the pictures arent too bad. Guess procrastination works for you some of the time! :)

But all of this, less the pictures and grandmas' things, can be replaced. So I am feeling thankful more than sad. I did run back in and grab a couple pictures of the walls and get Jonathan's blankie and Elijah's pacifiers and bag. Ashley grabbed our laptops and then no surprise, went back for guns!! Crazy to me that we now have a "before the fire/after the fire" timeline in our lives. It has been very humbling. I decided it is much easier to accept clothes to take to the needy in Honduras than to accept clothes and other things because we are the needy people.

Once we get insurance stuff wrapped up, we will be focusing on building a new place. Praying already that Ashley and I will be patient with each other while making all these decisions!!

44

reasons I love my husband:

He loves Jesus.

He loves our sons.

He choose me.

He has admitted a few good things about Kansas.

He truly liked my grandparents.

He gets choked up at Little House on the Prairie sometimes.

He crochets.

He is incredibly witty.

He is proud and thankful that I use cloth diapers.

He makes sacrifices for people he does not even know in Honduras.

He is interested in many different things and likes to learn.

He gives the boys a bath most of the time!!! This is a huge, huge gift to me!

He buys me chocolate.

He sings to Jonathan and Elijah.

He makes up songs and is remarkable about rhyming.

He gets into Jonathan's t-ball games, even though he really is not a sports person.

He will stop in the road to pick up a turtle to show Jonathan. And not bring it home every time!!

He got up during the night to give our puppy medicine.

He likes to wear pink shirts. And he looks good in them!

He is an excellent teacher; to his gun class students, to his sons, to me.

He feeds Eli sometimes and wipes his face some of those times.

He takes off work to attend Jonathan's school things.

He reads to Jonathan at night. I love to hear them talking about what they are reading.

He is a dreamer.

He makes the very very very long drive to Kansas so I can see my family and they can see our precious boys.

He keeps us safe.

He tries to drink more water.

He eats leftovers!

He can get to laughing so hard he can hardly talk.

He knows the names of plants and flowers.

He loves to watch TV but is too thrifty to pay for cable so we just enjoy two channels!

He likes to have a snack at night.

He calms me down when I get overly worried about things.

He is patriotic and thankful for the privilege of living in the United States.

He loves ice cream.

He lets me get the mail.

He works very hard to provide for us and to enable me to stay home with the boys.

He compliments my cooking.

He tells me about his day.

He smells good.

He sings well.

He wants to help people truly change their lives.

He lets the house be warm when we need it warm and cool when we need it cool.

He is wise with money.

Happy birthday my Ashley. I love so very many things about you.

Elijah

Just took this picture today and had to share it. He is too sweet!

At nine months Eli:

absolutly adore Jonathan.

is crawling all over and pulling up and starting to cruise a bit.

loves to be outside.

is starting to prefer to feed himself. I fear I clean up more food out of his highchair then gets into his body!

has 6 teeth. and he has worked hard for them.

weighs 20 lbs.

thinks Daddy is incredible. Ashley and I were saying today that we don't remember Jonathan being that into Daddy

this young but Eli will reach out for him and crawl to get him when he gets home. It is quite sweet.

is a challenge to change his diaper. he just wants to move!

really likes music. even my singing!

takes three naps a day.

is still quite a fan of nursing. I am thankful for this.

goes to Sunday school well. they have these little booster seats they sit in and sing songs. it is pretty cute.

really really likes the 4-wheeler and lawnmower. but also the blow dryer and blender so maybe it is just the noise?

puts his head on my shoulder. so so so sweet.

puts everything in his mouth!

is developing quite an opinion. he has been quite a laid back baby so it is different having him get feisty. I say it is the Williams coming out in him! :)

likes his paci to go to sleep.

has clamy hands and stinky feet. This has been true since he was born!

has the cutest crawl. I have told Polly this several times and have tried to think what makes it so cute. I think it is a combination of things. he has big hands. I have thought this since birth. He is loud when he crawls. You can hear him coming. he sounds very determined. He is fast. If he hears the door opening to outside or the water for the bathtub or the fridge door opening, he takes off.

likes to sleep on his tummy. this is something that makes me nervous but he seems to prefer this so I just keep checking on him.

has a mix of blond and red and a little brown hair. still not sure what color it is.

seems to show a preference for his left hand. but I am not sure how soon this is determined.

is such a blessing and is so very very loved.