May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in Your sight, Oh Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.
Psalm 19:14

Thursday, July 1, 2010

One year ago

We were making preparations for a new arrival to our family. These preparations were very different from those we are currently making and the new addition would have looked very different than what we are expecting now. Isaias is the Honduran boy in the wheelchair we were hoping to add to our family. Jonathan was thrilled with the idea of having an older brother to wrestle with. This time last year we took a trip to the ISCS offices in Kansas City to turn in our final adoption paper work and do our fingerprinting. We had finally completed our homestudy, written the big checks, received the multitudes of paperwork we had to compile. And all this after months and years of praying about the best decision for our family. Isaias was aware of our intentions and was excited, at least to the extent that he could understand all the changes he would face. We had the insurance in place which would allow us to help him with his legs. We had begun construction, or mainly demolishing, in our basement to make needed changes for him. So this trip was the final step and then we waited.
In time we were made aware of some situations that caused us to question if this was the best thing for our family and for Isaias. And then God closed the door himself so we had no choice in the decision to bring him home or not. We questioned and grieved this loss and felt a lot of guilt about not being able to help him more. We still hope and pray to find some way to help Isaias.
Certain moments will make me think about Isaias. Jonathan will mention him from time to time. We include him in our prayers. His birthday, April 1st. He turned 14. This was actually a healing day. Our friend Anel from Honduras was visiting us on the 1st and I mentioned that date while we were eating. Anel was so thoughtful about it. He hesitantly said he knew it was sad for us that things did not work out but he felt it was for the best. He said because of Isaias age and background, it would have been a very hard change for him coming here and he would have worried about the influence Isaias would have been on Jonathan. Since Anel is a native Honduran and understands the culture way more than we ever will, his words meant so much. The final outcome was out of our control yet I still felt this guilt about it all not working out. Part of me had felt some relief about it not happening. It would have been such a big change for all of us and SO incredibly hard. Anel saying it was really what was best for Isaias and for us was such a gift of healing. We will continue to look for ways to help him and pray for him and love him. And maybe Anel will find us a sweet baby or toddler girl or boy who needs our family! We trust God will open or close these doors as is best for us.

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